Enjoying the Holidays Without the Overwhelm

The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” at least that’s what the

movies, commercials, and endless playlist can pressure us to believe. But for many people, the

holiday season comes with mixed and complicated feelings. You might feel joy and excitement,

but also anxiety, pressure, or even a sense of dread. And if that’s you, you’re far from being

alone.

According to the American Counseling Association (2023), nearly 9 in 10 adults report some

form of stress during the holidays. This looks like missing loved ones, feeling financial pressure,

or anticipating conflict in the family. In other words: the holidays are not universally joyful, and

you’re not the only one feeling that way.

Parents in particular tend to feel this emotional weight. Research from Clark, Schultz,

Gebremariam, Singer, & Freed (2021) found that parents' holiday-related stress can be felt by

their children, especially when parents feel pressure to create “perfect moments” especially while

juggling budgets and busy schedules.

If you've been feeling overwhelmed, behind, or unsure how to navigate the pressures that come

with this season, you’re not alone and you are not failing. This is a space to slow down, breathe,

and remember that your well being matters too.

Holiday Stress, Comparison, and Feeling “Not Enough”

One of the most common stressors of the holiday is comparison. Between family gathering and

social media, the season can make us look at our own lives under a microscope.

Maybe you sit across from a cousin who seems to be thriving. A new home, recent promotion,

perfect family photos. Meanwhile, your year might have been filled with job uncertainty,

relationship stress, financial strain, or just trying to stay afloat. These moments can activate a

painful internal narrative for ourselves.

But what we see, especially online, is never the whole story. Photos don't show arguments,

burnout, or the quiet battles people fight behind the scenes. You can not measure your worth by

someone else’s highlight reels. When comparison shows up, gently notice it and ask yourself:

● Whose expectations am I using for myself?

● Do these expectations align with my values?

● What accomplishments of mine have I overlooked?

Sometimes the most meaningful victories aren’t flashy: getting out of bed on hard days, paying bills during a tight month, or continuing to grow after a difficult season. Those matter too.

Family Roles, Sibling Dynamics, and Success Guilt

Another layer of holiday stress comes from old family roles resurfacing. Even as adults, being around siblings can make us feel like we stepped back into childhood. Moser, Jones, Zaorski, Mirslimi, & Luchner (2005) describe how sibling relationships often carry long-standing patterns of rivalry, comparison, guild, or resentment. These dynamics tend to intensify during the holidays because families gather in familiar spaces where past emotions were formed. This is where transference often shows up, when emotions from childhood influence how we act in the present.

For example:

● You may shrink yourself because you were always “the quiet one.”

● You might feel guilty for succeeding if a sibling is struggling due to old expectations of

fairness

● You might even feel defensive without fully understanding why.

Here’s what’s important to remember:

● You don’t have to minimize your achievements.

● You don’t have to carry guilt for the things you can not control

● You can relate to siblings as adults, not rivals.

● Childhood roles can be rewritten.

The holidays can bring up a lot of emotions, but they also offer changes to gently detach from

old identities that no longer fit.

Parental Judgment and the Pressure to “Have It Together”

Parental expectations can add another layer of pressure. Many people experience intrusive

questions like:

● “When are you getting married?”

● “Thinking about having kids soon?”

● “When are you buying a house?”

Even when these questions come from a place of care, they can trigger shame, anxiety, or defensiveness. You are not obligated to justify your life choices, or your pace, to anyone.

Boundaries are not disrespectful, they are protective. You might respond with:

● “I’d rather not talk about that this year”

● “I’m happy with the direction my life is going.”

● “I’m exploring options, but I’m not ready to discuss it.”

Your path does not need to match the expectations of parents, grandparents, or extended relatives. You are allowed to prioritize what feels right for you, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

Relationship Stress and Navigating Holiday Expectations as a Couple

For people in relationships, the holidays can introduce a new level of complexity. You may feel pressure from both families to attend events, keep traditions alive, or split time perfectly. According to Orbuch, Bauermeister, Brown & McKinley (2013), strong emotional connections with each partner's family can support long-term relationship stability. But during the holidays, the pressure to meet everyone’s needs can strain even healthy relationships.

It helps to communicate early and honestly with your partner:

● What gathering matters most to each of you?

● What traditions do you want to keep, adjust, or skip?

● How can you support one another if tension appears?

● Are you willing to alternate families each year?

It’s completely okay to create new traditions as your family grows. You’re not failing anyone by

prioritizing your relationship.

Managing Traditions, Time, and Emotional Energy

Holiday burnout often comes from doing too much. Between travel, cooking, hosting, work, schedules, school breaks, and cultural or religious traditions, it can easily become overwhelming.

Before automatically agreeing to every event or responsibility, pause and ask yourself:

● Does this tradition still bring joy, or is it just a routine?

● Am I doing this out of desire or obligation?

● What tasks can I share, delegate, or simplify?

● What’s one thing I can let go of this year?

Your emotional energy is a limited resource. Protecting it isn’t selfish, it's necessary. Some years

require bigger celebrations. Others call for quiet, simplified moments, both are valid.

Often, the warmest memories come not from perfection but from presence and simply being

together.

Practical Tips for a Less Stressful Holiday

● Set boundaries early

● Prioritize what really matters

● Delegate tasks instead of carrying everything alone

● Build in downtime

● Communicate limits gently but firmly

● Practice grounding or mindfulness

● Celebrate small wins

● Release traditions or expectations that no longer fit.

Small intentional choices can reduce holiday overwhelm more than you may think.

Conclusion: You’re Allowed to Do the Holidays Your Way

The holidays can hold joy, pressure, nostalgia, and stress at the same time. Feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are ungrateful or broken. It means you are human. Your pace is valid, your boundaries are valid and our emotional well-being is most important.

You are allowed to:

● Protect your pace

● Prioritize meaningful moments

● Let go of outdated roles or expectations

● Create your own traditions

● Honor the season in a way that feels supportive and not draining.

You deserve a holiday season that feels manageable, compassionate, and authentic. You can achieve this with one intentional step at a time.

Madeline Lee, edited by Kasey Scharnett King, LMFT-S

References

American Counseling Association. (2023). Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for

most Americans. Even a joyous holiday season can cause stress for most Americans

Clark, S. J., Schultz, S. L., Gebremariam, A., Singer, D. C., & Freed, G. L. (2021). 'Tis the

season to be…stressed? C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health, 40(1).

https://mottpoll.org/reports/tis-season-stressed

Moser, C. J., Jones, R. A., Zaorski, D. M., Mirsalimi, H., & Luchner, A. F. (2005). The Impact of

the Sibling in Clinical Practice: Transference and Countertransference Dynamics.

Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 42(3), 267–278.

https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-3204.42.3.267

Orbuch, T. L., Bauermeister, J. A., Brown, E., & McKinley, B. D. (2013). Early family ties and

marital stability over 16 years: The context of race and gender. Family Relations, 62(2),

255–268. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12005