How to Forgive Yourself for Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the hardest mistakes a person can make, not just for your partner, but for yourself. In fact, infidelity is one of the top 3 reasons couples divorce. The guilt, shame, and self-blame can feel unbearable, like a weight you’ll never shake. You might be thinking, “I ruined everything. I’m a terrible person.” That voice in your head is harsh, but it doesn’t have to be the one you listen to forever.

According to research, about 25% of men and 20% of women have been involved in extramarital relationships (Russell, Baker, & McNulty, 2013). That doesn’t excuse what happened, but it does remind us that humans are imperfect. The first step toward healing is acknowledging the act then recognizing the impact it’s had on breaking down the marriage.

Self-forgiveness is often harder than asking your partner for forgiveness, but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to grow, heal, and move forward, whether or not your relationship survives. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you process what happened and work toward forgiving yourself.

Understand What Happened Without Judging Yourself

The first step is to face reality. Own your behavior, but don’t let shame define who you are. There’s a difference between guilt and shame:

Guilt: “I did something wrong.”

Shame: “I am a bad person.”

Guilt can motivate change; shame keeps you stuck. Accept responsibility for your actions, yes, but remember, making mistakes is human. You are not your mistake.

Dig Into the “Why”

Infidelity rarely happens in a vacuum. Often, it stems from unmet emotional needs, insecurity, avoidance, or impulsivity. Take some time to reflect, but don’t use your reasons as excuses. Ask yourself:

What was I seeking in that moment?

What was missing in my relationship or within myself?

Understanding the root cause is key. As Cornish, Hanks, and Gubash Black (2020) found, exploring these emotions and motivations in therapy helps people not only heal but also grow.

Feel Your Feelings

It’s tempting to numb the shame and regret with distractions, but true healing comes from facing your emotions. Cry if you need to. Journal. Meditate. Talk to a therapist. Let yourself feel grief, shame, and regret without letting them define you.

Remember, forgiveness doesn’t erase the pain. It transforms it. It’s about moving from being trapped in guilt to learning from your mistakes.

Make Amends When Possible

If it hasn’t been done already, consider how and when to come clean. Apologize sincerely, without expecting forgiveness in return. This isn’t about alleviating your guilt, it’s about taking responsibility and committing to honesty moving forward.

Couples therapy or sex and intimacy therapy can also be incredibly helpful. They provide a safe space to explore the relationship’s challenges, improve communication, and rebuild emotional and physical intimacy. Healing the relationship doesn’t just benefit your partner, it helps you understand yourself better too.

Rebuild Trust With Yourself

After an action like cheating, your self-trust might feel shattered. That’s normal. Repairing takes time.

Start small:

Keep your promises to yourself.

Set personal boundaries.

Avoid situations that could lead to repeating the same mistake.

Small daily acts of integrity gradually rebuild trust, helping you feel more aligned with your own values.

Reframe the Story

Your mistake is a chapter, not the whole story. Self-compassion is key here. Treat yourself like you would a friend who made a mistake: with kindness, patience, and understanding.

Infidelity is painful, but it can also be an opportunity for growth. By reflecting honestly and making meaningful changes, you turn a destructive moment into a lesson that strengthens you.

Seek Support

You don’t have to go through this alone. Trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist can offer perspective, empathy, and guidance. Talking openly about your feelings can lighten the burden and help you see yourself with more compassion.

Books, blogs, and podcasts about self-forgiveness can also provide helpful tools and reassurance. Remember, you’re allowed to ask for help, it doesn’t make you weak.

Commit to Change

Self-forgiveness isn’t a one-time event, it’s a process. Identify patterns you want to change and set intentions for your future relationships. Honesty, communication, and respect are non-negotiable.

Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering, learning, and choosing differently next time. This ongoing commitment to growth is what makes self-forgiveness meaningful.

Conclusion

Many people think they don’t deserve forgiveness, but that mindset only prolongs suffering. Self-forgiveness is about accepting responsibility, feeling your emotions, and committing to change. It’s not easy, but it’s possible and it’s necessary for your growth.

Start small: journal your thoughts, talk to a therapist, or practice self-compassion exercises. Remember: you are more than your worst mistake. With time, patience, and intentional action, self-forgiveness is not only possible, it’s transformative.

Infidelity hurts everyone involved. For your partner, reminders of infidelity can sting every day. For you, guilt can feel relentless. Counseling can help both of you navigate this shared pain, but the heart of healing lies in self-forgiveness. If you are ready to start forgiving and rediscovering yourself, connect with us here.

References

Cornish, M. A., Hanks, M. A., & Gubash Black, S. M. (2020). Self-forgiving processes in therapy for romantic relationship infidelity: An evidence-based case study. Psychotherapy (Chicago, Ill.), 57(3), 352–365. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000292

Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family Psychology, 27(2), 242–251. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032118