Is Technology Helping or Hurting Our Relationships?

Written by Madeline Lee, B.S.   Edited by Kasey Scharnett King, LMFT

Technology has changed almost everything about the way we live; how we work, how we learn, how we shop, and definitely how we communicate. For long-distance relationships, families separated by states (or continents), and friends who don’t see each other often, technology can be a lifeline. FaceTime calls with your sister, sharing TikToks with your best friend, sending voice notes to your mom… technology keeps us connected even when we’re miles apart.

But what about the people who are sitting right next to us?

This is where things can get complicated.

Smartphones, apps, and constant connectivity have created new patterns in modern relationships. Some are helpful, some harmful, and some we’re still figuring out. While digital tools can support communication, they can also interrupt it, distract from it, or even replace it. Understanding both sides of technology’s influence can help couples build healthier habits and more intentional connection.

“Phubbing”: When Phones Replace People

One of the most talked-about issues in recent research is something you may have noticed in your own life: phubbing. Short for “phone snubbing,” it describes what happens when someone directs their attention to a phone instead of the person they’re with.

It might be glancing at notifications during a date, scrolling while your partner is talking, or having the phone on the table, face up, just in case something “important” comes through.

A 2016 study by Krasnova and colleagues found that frequent phubbing in romantic relationships can create real emotional consequences. Couples reported more conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and even reduced overall well-being. In other words, the simple act of shifting your attention from your partner to your phone, even briefly, can send a message: “What’s on my screen matters more than you right now.”

While most people don’t intend to convey this, it’s easy for it to become a habit that slowly erodes closeness.

Technoference: The Subtle Daily Interruptions

Even if someone isn’t outright “phubbing,” technology can still interfere with intimacy in more subtle ways. In a 2019 study by McDaniel and Drouin, more than half of couples reported experiencing “technoference.” Technology interruptions, on at least a few days during a two-week study period. Nearly three-quarters experienced it at least once.

Technoference might look like:

Checking a work email during dinner

A notification breaking the flow of a deep conversation

Pausing a story to answer a text

Watching TV while scrolling through social media

Keeping the phone nearby during quality time “just in case”

Individually, these interruptions seem small. But over time, they can add up to fewer moments of genuine connection, leaving partners feeling unheard, unimportant, or emotionally distant.

This isn’t because anyone is trying to ignore their partner, most people are just trying to juggle a fast-paced, always-on world. But constant interruptions can unintentionally communicate emotional unavailability.

Technology Isn’t All Bad, It Can Boost Connection Too

Despite its challenges, technology isn’t inherently harmful. In fact, used well, it can support closeness in meaningful ways.

A 2015 study by Luo and Tuney found that when college students sent at least one text a day to their partner for two weeks, they reported a slight increase in relationship satisfaction, even when the content of the text didn’t matter much.

This suggests that the act of reaching out itself; “I’m thinking about you,” “Hope your day is going well,” “Want to watch a movie tonight?” can strengthen emotional bonds.

Technology helps couples by:

Facilitating quick check-ins

Allowing expressions of affection throughout the day

Helping partners coordinate plans

Maintaining connection during separations or busy schedules

Offering fun shared experiences (sending memes, playlists, photos)

The key difference is intention. When technology is used as a tool for connection, not a distraction, it can become a meaningful part of a relationship rather than a barrier.

Why Technology Affects Relationship Dynamics So Strongly

Modern technology wasn’t designed with relationships in mind, it was designed to capture attention. Notifications, algorithms, and endless streams of content pull us into our screens, not because we’re weak-willed, but because these systems are built to keep us engaged.

As a result, couples often find themselves navigating:

Competing sources of attention

Your partner isn’t just competing with one distraction, they’re competing with dozens of apps designed to keep you hooked.

Different boundaries

Some people prefer constant texting; others become overwhelmed by too much messaging. Some enjoy sharing life updates online; others are more private.

Unspoken expectations

Is a delayed reply a sign of disinterest? Should couples follow each other’s social media? How much phone use is “too much” during quality time?

Digital misunderstandings

Tone doesn’t always translate over text. A short message can come across as irritation, even if it isn’t meant that way.

These dynamics can create tension, not because couples are incompatible, but because the digital world requires new skills; boundary setting, intentional communication, and awareness of how technology shapes behavior.

Creating Healthier Tech Habits in Your Relationship

While every couple is different, small changes can help reduce digital friction and support emotional closeness. Some helpful approaches include:

1. Setting technology-free moments

This might be:

* Meals

* The first hour after coming home

* The last 30 minutes before bed

* Weekly date nights

Phones don’t need to be eliminated, just placed on hold during moments where presence matters most.

2. Communicating openly about expectations

Instead of assuming your partner “should know” what you want, talk about it:

How often do you like to text during the day?

What feels like meaningful quality time?

What interruptions feel okay (work emergencies) and which ones don’t?

These conversations can prevent resentment and build shared understanding.

3. Using technology to express care

If you enjoy texting, sending small notes of appreciation can strengthen connection. If you’re not a big texter, voicenotes or quick check-ins can communicate warmth without constant messaging.

4. Being mindful of presence

Even something as simple as placing your phone face-down, turning off notifications for an hour, or giving your full attention during a conversation can make a noticeable difference.

The Bottom Line: Technology Is a Tool, Not the Enemy

Phones aren’t going anywhere. Social media isn’t disappearing. Digital communication will continue shaping modern relationships.

But connection doesn’t happen automatically, it happens intentionally.

Technology can support love or strain it. It can bring partners closer or push them apart. It depends, not on the device, but on the choices couples make together.

By becoming more aware of how technology affects your day-to-day interactions and by setting thoughtful boundaries, couples can create space for deeper conversations, stronger intimacy, and more meaningful moments. Technology doesn’t have to compete with your relationship, when used well, it can become one more way you stay connected in an increasingly connected world.

References

Krasnova, H., Abramova, O., Notter, I., & Baumann, A. (2016). Why phubbing is toxic for your relationship: Understanding the role of smartphone jealousy among “Generation Y” users. ECIS 2016 Research Papers, 109. https://aisel.aisnet.org/ecis2016_rp/109

Luo, S., & Tuney, S. (2015). Can texting be used to improve romantic relationships? The effects of sending positive text messages on relationship satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, 49, 670–678. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.11.035

McDaniel, B. T., & Drouin, M. (2019). Daily technology interruptions and emotional and relational well-being. Computers in Human Behavior, 99, 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.04.027