Recovering from a Sex Drought
Are you in a sexless relationship?
Has the connection diminished, making it feel easier to stay as is rather than do the hard work of reigniting passion?
I bet you have found comfort in this new routine, at least one of you, but still desire passion at times. Sounds crazy, right? You are not crazy. I liken it to wanting to go to the gym but having to get up at 5 a.m., get dressed, and find motivation while it is still dark outside. Yeah, no thank you.
Guess what? You are not alone. Many couples who come to my office struggle with both physical and emotional intimacy. Before we get to the why, let us start with the what. What qualifies as a sexless marriage? Here are two ways I measure it:
Are you having sex less than 12 times a year? This equates to less than once a month.
Or, are you intentionally or unintentionally avoiding pleasure-based activities? This could include compassionate hugs, petting, foreplay, or even wearing sexy clothes to bed. It could go as far as avoiding being naked around each other.
Now that we have an idea of what may be considered sexless, let us explore why and how this happens.
Why do couples stop having sex?
Understanding this is not always easy, especially for those who have not experienced it. You do not just stop being intimate overnight. It is a gradual process that slowly fades, and then you realize it has been two months or more. You are not alone in this, and many couples seek sex therapy to address these challenges.
School and Education
For partners who are just starting or pursuing opportunities for promotion, going back to school can become a major time commitment. The rigid schedule of classes and studying often takes up space in the marriage. Do you spend hours studying at night while everyone else is asleep? Couples often connect at night, since most of the day is taken up by work. When people become hyper-focused on fitting school into their lives, their marriage can take a back seat. The goal is to create a schedule that allows you to manage both school and family. Carve out a couple of nights a week for studying and reserve the rest for connection and intimacy. A sex therapist in Fort Worth can help you develop strategies to maintain closeness during busy seasons.
Children
Many parents, especially mothers, feel overworked because children require constant care and attention. As important as it is for your kids to feel loved, it does not have to impact your sex life. Scheduling intimate moments and finding creative ways to connect can help maintain your relationship. This might include setting aside time for sexual connection or finding spontaneous ways to sneak in sexy time. Couples often find that guidance from a sex therapist in Texas can help balance parenthood and intimacy.
Work and Career Demands
Work-related stress or pursuing promotions can take a toll on intimacy. Long hours and high demands often push sexual connection to the background.
Stress and Mental Health
In addition to school, children, and work, other stressors like depression, anxiety, or general life stress can reduce sexual desire. People react to stress differently, but some common reactions include:
Isolation
Overworking
Increased sleeping
Loss of sexual desire
A sex therapist in Southlake and Fort Worth can help couples identify these patterns and develop strategies to reduce stress while rebuilding intimacy.
Why is this so common?
There are a few reasons why marriages/relationships become sexless. I want to preface this by saying that society places such stress on us to be perfect in every area, which creates a sense of anxiety. You are supposed to overachieve at work, excel as a parent, be a self-care guru, and perfect partner. If you are not, you’re failing (according to those who don’t matter).
So, can we say that shift happens? You marry, move in, and then couples prioritize their obligations. These obligations shift, where it was once each other, to now it is everything listed in the paragraph above. I would like to throw in that most people reading this are a minority. Another blog post will be needed to discuss the stress of being 3x better, smarter, etc. This adds to the stress you already carry-a world that does not love us equally and being performative to survive. You come home to be yourself, but are too exhausted to be present.
When we shift to other priorities, oftentimes unknowingly, the emotional gap grows, and you wake up realizing intimacy has diminished. It is always imperative to communicate not only your needs and desires, but also the challenges you are struggling with.
What leads up to this issue (or how does it typically progress)?
This issue becomes very common after children are born. Parents, especially mothers, often make caring for their children a full-time priority. Fathers frequently focus on work, so both partners face distractions that pull them away from each other.
Over time, couples can settle into the roles of nurturer and provider rather than romantic partners. This shift can lead to decreased intimacy, both physical and emotional.
Steps Couples Can Take to Restore Intimacy
Rebuilding a sexual connection requires intentional effort. Here are the steps used in sex therapy to increase intimacy and strengthen your relationship.
1. Weekly Marital Check-Ins
I recommend that couples schedule a weekly check-in. This is time set aside to connect with no distractions. Quarterly check-ins are often not enough, as so much can happen between sessions that partners drift apart. During these check-ins, consider asking:
What is one word you would use to describe our marriage this week?
What could we be doing differently, and how will it enhance the quality of our marriage?
If you find yourself stuck on questions or need guidance, tools like Couple Conversation Cards recommended by a sex therapist can help spark meaningful conversation.
2. Prioritize Dating
Dating remains important even after children. You do not always need to go out. Focus on simple ways to reconnect. Share wine after the kids are asleep or enjoy a morning cup of coffee together on the patio before the busy day starts.
3. Try Sex at Different Times
Changing the timing of sex can make a significant difference. Many women enjoy sex in the morning because it gives them energy. Evening sex can be challenging after a long day when both partners are tired. Waking up a few minutes earlier to have sex can create space for intimate moments and signal that your relationship is a priority before work and children take over.
Working with a licensed sex therapist in Texas can help couples identify patterns, experiment with timing, and develop strategies to increase both emotional and physical intimacy. Sex therapy provides guidance and tools to help couples reconnect, improve communication, and rebuild a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Ready to Begin Sex Therapy in Southlake or Fort Worth, Texas?
A sexless marriage is an unfulfilled marriage. It is not indicative of lost love, but lost time for connection, compassion, and joy. If you find that you may need more help rebuilding your sex life, contact us and schedule your session today.
Getting started is easy. Call us or send an email to schedule your free 10-minute consultation. We’ll answer your questions, explore your needs, and determine if Lavender Healing Center is the right fit for you.
You don’t have to navigate intimacy challenges on your own. Whether you’re struggling with sexual connection, desire, or confidence, sex therapy can help bring understanding, communication, and connection back to your relationship.
Take the Next Step Today:
Contact Lavender Healing Center to schedule your free 10-minute consultation.
Meet with an experienced sex therapist who will offer personalized guidance for your unique needs.
Begin your journey toward a healthier, more connected sexual relationship—one conversation at a time.
Other Counseling Services at Lavender Healing Center
Sex therapy is just one part of the care we provide. Our Southlake and Fort Worth offices also offer:
Explore our full range of services designed to support your emotional, relational, and sexual well-being, all offered in person for a deeper, more connected therapeutic experience.
